Dear God,

I know getting older isn't supposed to be easy. Hell, I can handle the grey hair... the decaying muscles... the lethargic spacing out... the strange hair growth... I can even handle the whole getting fat and ugly part.... but could you please return the ability to wipe my ass clean after I shit? I've clogged more toilets in vain attempts for the spotless wipe, and it's just not right. It seems almost sadistic to hand me simultaneous gifts of wisdom and the inability to act on that wisdom. Please... it's not much... I thought you loved me.

Wes