Dear Snake Brain,

Women are made to be loved, not understood.
~Oscar Wilde



I wish I could have a nice warm air heater blowing on my feet all the time I spend at the computer... that's my favorite.

Just Another Day

Another tough day... I'm pondering just going back to bed, because I think I could actually use some more rest... but I also think I'd be wasting some good daylight hours that could be useful for something else. It looks awful comfy over there, though.

My heart is kinda heavy today about so many things... I got an ICQ message from a major friend of mine from a few years back. She had spent some time on my website and was reminded of the times we had together. "When things were easier," she said. I agreed, "We were a good team." I miss that team... I miss HAVING a team. I have some wonderful friends right now who would bend over backwards for me, but I still feel like something is missing. Maybe it's just that my heart is broken and my future is unclear.

My plans for DragonCon are solidifying. I had pondered spending the weekend in Gulf Shores with Pam and Kim, but the thought of missing any tributes to Dawn wasn't acceptable. I feel so very alone in the world right now, and any chance I might have to be around some people who feel the same way that I do would be a great comfort. I'm just afraid I'm going to be an emotional wreck for too much of the weekend, and there are some very important people I don't want to burden with my emotionality. Then again, I know how to laugh, and there are plenty of people there who make me do just that.

I'm going to be talked to about working at the club again, and I'm not sure what I should say. I feel my life has been steadily moving away from that place for a long time, and although I loved that job and have wanted a chance to enjoy that environment again, I'm not sure if I can give up my Friday and Saturday nights. If I choose that path, there won't be any more "normal" parties. I'll end up at the all-nighters with the people who don't work for a living. I'm not saying there aren't some very good people in those places, I just know that the drama level is higher and the social standard is lower. I don't want to be that guy in the long run, even if the short run makes me happy. I don't know what to do, and am afraid to answer one way or another.

My attitude is such right now that I'm submitting new resumes for computer work. I want a future so bad I could scream... What price do I have to pay? What desire do I need to master? I'll do what it takes if I know what's by my side.