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I foolishly went through the last two years of my journal, entry by entry. I got to read about times of great happiness and soul-crushing sadness. I got to remember through some private posts that I made to myself that the past is not as I have seen it presented to me, and also not as I have presented it to myself. I really needed to do some constructive things today, as my work schedule over the next few days is a bit oppressive. I had some poignient and important things to post regarding things I have experienced over the past few days. I needed to get picture pages together for various events I've attended over the past few weeks.
But instead, I sat through my life... I got to relive conflict, heartbreak, and loss. I watched everything crumble... my job, my social life, my relationship... Sometimes, I barely even remember being the person I was 2 years ago. He seems so emotionally alien to me now.... so strong, so positive, so removed from petty bickering and hurt. I hope I grow closer to that man, again.
I also got to see something strangely satisfying. I got to see how my dreams and goals adapted under blistering circumstances, and how I continued to take care of my responsibilities, even in the face of overwhelming loss. I read about work I did, things I created, and people I helped. I read essays on my thoughts and well presented opinions on world events. I surprised myself with my productivity... with my ability to create... and most of all, by my desire to rise above day-to-day life and create something grand.
Right now, I have been focussing on my day-to-day life... I have stopped worrying about the big picture and have just been scrambling for a days worth of activity. This is not what I need to do to feel good about myself. Today is not all there is, no matter what it feels like when I'm making my plans. It's time to start looking around me with more range... with more awareness... and with more responsibility. I will not let my own simplicity take over my life. I will not let my passions drive me down the easy paths to quick satisfaction. I will be bigger than myself... of this, I am sure.
But instead, I sat through my life... I got to relive conflict, heartbreak, and loss. I watched everything crumble... my job, my social life, my relationship... Sometimes, I barely even remember being the person I was 2 years ago. He seems so emotionally alien to me now.... so strong, so positive, so removed from petty bickering and hurt. I hope I grow closer to that man, again.
I also got to see something strangely satisfying. I got to see how my dreams and goals adapted under blistering circumstances, and how I continued to take care of my responsibilities, even in the face of overwhelming loss. I read about work I did, things I created, and people I helped. I read essays on my thoughts and well presented opinions on world events. I surprised myself with my productivity... with my ability to create... and most of all, by my desire to rise above day-to-day life and create something grand.
Right now, I have been focussing on my day-to-day life... I have stopped worrying about the big picture and have just been scrambling for a days worth of activity. This is not what I need to do to feel good about myself. Today is not all there is, no matter what it feels like when I'm making my plans. It's time to start looking around me with more range... with more awareness... and with more responsibility. I will not let my own simplicity take over my life. I will not let my passions drive me down the easy paths to quick satisfaction. I will be bigger than myself... of this, I am sure.
