Life out of Whack

[weswilson]

Something in my life is out of whack.

I think it's the mixed spiral of dubious motivation and internet fixation.

• Dubious motivation: So much in my life is in flux right now. I have my two oldest kids in the house for the summer, my podcasting/youtube work is in this limbo right before something really big is due to happen, my web design work is mostly on hold while I fix some server stuff, POC is over and the new planning stages have started, and a system administrator position I was going to fill requires me to do some pretty significant PHP work that I'm having trouble beginning. I could pick up one or more of these projects, but the fact that the kids are in the house really puts a damper on things. See, I take a while to get motivated... and I have to have gotten my distractions behind me... then I can pick up my work... but I'm also waffling pretty hard on what I should actually be working on. What's important? What means anything? How can I turn something I'm doing... ANYTHING I'm doing... into something that earns me some money. It all feels like housework... doomed to be instantly repeated once the initial task is done.



• Internet Fixation: So I do a sweep of social media, consume some clever internet content, drop some comments here and there, read my political debate communities, and skim the comments on our latest videos. Once that is done, I can dig into my project, right? But if the kids need something, I get pulled away, I get distracted, and then I return with a "quick" sweep of those tasks. And heaven forbid I comment on a political issue and get someone challenging what I've said! Because if that happens, I have an hour's worth of reading and research to do so that my reply is both accurate and poignant. And if I get into an extended debate, that will call me away from whatever else I'm doing repeatedly throughout the day.

And so, if things go as usual, I'll start getting stressed around 2pm that I haven't gotten anything done... and with my workout coming up at 4pm, I'll have 2 hours to cram some work in. This is also, ironically, the period of the day when my kids have gotten tired of their self-entertainment. And so I get pulled away... repeatedly... with the most trivial and banal of requests... and then I start getting grumpy.

I have been staying on the workout thing, though. For about two months now, I'm working out for about an hour, four times a week. I'm doing a mix of cardio and muscle building, and I'm increasing all the things I'm doing as I get more fit. I'm up to 18 minutes of mixed elliptical and rowing machine, 2 sets of 10 reps on 13 different weight machines, and 200 yards of mixed swimming. It's done good things for my energy level, but I still haven't lost any noticeable weight. I'm pretending that it's all because of new muscle mass... that's my story. But regardless of whether I lose weight or not, this should help counter what the high cholesterol and slightly elevated blood sugar are doing to my body. We'll see if it's working when I go back to the doctor next month.

ANYWAY, something just feels out of whack... and I feel I'm not my old boney self... I'm hoping that once the kids get back into school I can fix it. But I might just be projecting. :)

Comments

[not-hothead-yet.livejournal.com]

you have just described my life for the last couple of years. (sort of)
Same feelings, different circumstances and i suspect different issues actually.

I know for me a large problem was focusing so intently on my marriage that I was incapable of really doing much else besides basic attention to college and kids. Once I finally hit the crossroads and made my decision I somehow expected that all my energy and motivation would come back. But no, now I'm trying to extricate myself and THAT is a whole ball of energy and attention-suck. Its frustrating as hell. I've started writing about six different things and just kind of ....wandered away.

But social media? social media is my friend! It doesn't glare at me in silent rage, follow me around the house peppering me with unanswerable questions or demand that I adhere to its schedule. No, social media waits patiently for me to come to it and I am allowed to engage as much or little as I want and if it doesn't please me? I can turn my attention somewhere else and social media isn't going to start whining that I'm not "sharing".

Sometimes, you just have to force motivation. Just grit your teeth, pick something and start. I bet you anything as soon as you start, you'll realize exactly what you'd rather be doing. Every time I start, I end up either cleaning something or working on "adult" things.